Director: Les Rose Starring: Patti D'Arbanville, Michael Biehn, Tony Rosato, Matt Craven Certificate: - (UK), PG (USA)
"Enough is enough. Now it's your turn to even the score!"
Plot
After being thrown out of a military academy, Tim Warner comes up against an even bigger challenge when he discovers a biker gang have taken over his new school and are terrorising his friends. Tim decides to take on the gang and attempt to win over the affections of their female member Angie.
SPOILERS AHEAD...
I finally saw this movie for the first time in late 2020, 40 years after its original release thanks to someone uploading it on to YouTube. Let me tell you, this movie is IMPOSSIBLE to find otherwise. Whilst it did have a VHS release in the US back in the day, I'm not sure if it's ever found its way to the UK and it certainly doesn't seem to have received any kind of DVD release. Try searching for this movie on Google and you'll be greeted with leather clad Tim Allen, John Travolta and Martin Lawrence in Wild Hogs (that's not a specialist BDSM movie by the way despite the name and copious amounts of leather).
So let's take it back to 1980 and sandwiched in between Coach and The Fan, we have Hog Wild, a Canadian teen sex comedy ("Canuxploitation"). This movie was released in the same era as the likes of Animal House, Meatballs and Porky's so it's not difficult to ascertain the type of audience being reached for, however Hog Wild stuck to a PG certificate so no boobs on show here. This would also be Michael Biehn's final leading boy role before moving on to the grown-up stuff.
The film starts with Tim Warner (Biehn) being expelled from a military academy due to a misunderstanding and much to his strict father's disappointment. Tim doesn't seem too bothered however and is quickly enrolled at the local school. He meets The Rustlers, the school's biker gang and immediately falls for the gang's only female member Angie Barnes (Patti D'Arbanville). Unfortunately, she also happens to be the gang leader's girlfriend. When Tim doesn't yield to the gang's many demands, they set out to target him and his friends.
So far so good, there's a nice basic premise, there's good vs bad, plenty of room for some silly comedy, but my god are The Rustlers a pain in the arse! They're led by Bull (Tony Rosato) who only converses in a series of grunts and requires a translator in the form of a Mexican character named Bean (Angelo Rizacos). Then we have Chrome (Matt Craven) who wears a hook on his hand for reasons unknown, oh and I haven't even mentioned yet that the average age of these guys appears to be about 40; what grade are they even in? During the movie, they steal Tim's car and (impossibly) place it at the top of a flag pole, force one poor character to urinate, eat another character's tarantula and handcuff Tim and his friends to one another whilst kidnapping their girlfriends. For the most part, I really wanted them to piss off, but as they are the main antagonists, they stick around for the entire movie.
Whilst all this is happening and when he isn't having food or concrete poured over him, Tim continues his pursuit of Angie by running off with her clothes whilst she's skinny dipping alone. I'm not so sure how successful that would be as a flirtation technique in real life but we'll go along with it. Later he finds Angie hiding in the town's honey factory. When Tim falls into a vat of honey and pulls Angie in with him, they finally consummate their relationship. It's sweet (pun intended) but if you're a clean freak like me, you'll spend this entire scene cringing whilst you imagine all the places that honey is going to end up and how long that's gonna take to clean up afterwards!
Having got his girl, Tim isn't done just yet and decides to take on Bull in a local motorbike race. Oddly these final scenes seem the most pointless and rushed part of the whole movie but I guess it rounds everything up in a nice little bow. As it turns out, neither Tim nor Bull win the race but they end up making up and all is well with the world again.
The film is nicely shot and certainly has better production values than Coach; also the movie poster is super cool. The acting is okay though it's frustrating that they had Tony Rosato in the movie and just made him into a one-joke character as he was a capable comedic actor. Michael plays a similar kind of character as he did in Coach as the relaxed, pleasant guy who gives the audience someone to root for. It's crazy that he didn't do another comedy role after this until Mojave Moon in 1996 and Susan's Plan in 1998.
Conclusion
I feel it's pretty mean spirited being negative about movies of this nature. Did anyone in the cast and crew set out to make the next Godfather or Taxi Driver here? Hell no! But on what I imagine was a tiny production budget, it delivers on what it intends to do, which is 95 minutes of silly entertainment. It won't set the world alight; it's probably not even going to make you laugh out loud. I also guarantee within 30 minutes of finishing the movie you'll have pretty much forgotten the entire plot. Still, unless you have a severe aversion to adults doing it in honey, then it's an inoffensive way to pass the time.
If you've seen Hog Wild, let me know what you thought in the comments below and if you haven't seen it, you can check it out on YouTube.
IMDB: 5.0/10 Rotten Tomatoes: Not enough ratings (As of October 2021)
Dies? / Villain?
ALIVE! And he gets the girl. / Not a villain this time.
What Did This Movie Teach Me?
Steal a woman's clothes = win their hearts... apparently
Anything Else?
This is the first of 3 movies that Michael appears in alongside Matt Craven. They would later team up again in K2 (1991) and Crash/Breach of Trust (1995).
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