Let's Talk About... Strange Michael Biehn Merch

You definitely don't need me to tell you that the world of movie merchandise and memorabilia is BIG business. Harry Potter, Star Wars and my old personal favourite Ghostbusters are worth billions in merchandise sales alone. Comic-Cons are also more popular than ever. That said, the quality and authenticity of merchandise available can vary from perfect prop replicas to some slightly more sketchy stuff.

With that in mind, I had a little Google of Michael Biehn to see just what kind of weird and wonderful things I could buy with his face adorned upon them and compiled my top five favourites. After all, you can get just about anything on the Internet, right?

Number Five - The Clock (Link)

That's CLOCK; get those minds out of the gutter, please. Next time you need to know the time, make sure you've got one of these fabulous canvas clocks (batteries included) featuring Michael's handsome nineties face. A bargain at just £14.45 on Amazon. Whilst you're there, perhaps indulge in a coaster, keyring and fridge magnet too.

Does anyone know any good clock jokes?

Number Four - The Mask (Link)

You too can now recreate Michael's 2003 Ghosts of the Abyss premiere look* with this stunning paper mask. It comes complete with elastic band and perforated eye slits and is currently available on eBay for the bargain price of just £3.97. (*Yes, I did take the time to find out where the photo originated from because I have nothing better to do!)

Impress friends at your next Michael Biehn themed party

Number Three - The Cushion (Link) / The Throw (Link)

I've cheated slightly on this one (What you gonna do about it?!), but a top-six doesn't sound so good.

Firstly, rest your weary head upon Michael's face for the ultimate night's sleep or use Kyle Reese's battle-scarred pec for some kind of weird kinky cushion role-play.?

Please also know that the same seller offers Chairman Mao and Vladimir Putin cushions for when your mood takes you in a slightly different direction.

Of course, you can't have a cushion without a throw, so make sure to grab one of these as well whilst you're at it. Promising " NO pilling, NO fading, NO smelling, NO wrinkling, NO shedding or shrinking" - just like Michael himself?

This woman looks elated with her new throw

Number Two - The Shower Curtain (Link)

I actually think this design is pretty cool and I'm guessing the seller is probably expecting more sales in T-Shirts than shower curtains. Still, it's good to offer variety, right? So, if your bathroom is feeling left out of the merch madness, simply pop up this stylish shower curtain and be reminded of some of Michael's most iconic roles whilst you're cleaning yourself.

Recreate those Douglas Breen shower scenes with your very own Biehn shower curtain

Number One - The Mini Skirt (Link)

"Hey Sue, good news, the Michael Biehn mini skirt you ordered has arrived!" I literally don't know what to say about this... it's.... just... wow.

I love me some Biehn, but this is a little bit terrifying, right?

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There we have it, just a few of the mad things you can buy online. I've included links to everything just in case you've finally found the skirt and shower curtain of your dreams. Also please let me know in the comments below if you own a piece of memorabilia for any movie or actor that might be considered a little left field.

I should point out that Michael and his wife Jennifer Blanc-Biehn regularly offer some excellent, high-quality items to celebrate Michael's career. I definitely recommend checking out Jennifer's Instagram for regular updates.

Right, I best be off. I've got a meal to prepare using my Michael Biehn can opener and knife set.