Only a few things in life are absolutely certain:
We are all going to die someday.
Dogs are awesome.
Michael Biehn with a moustache (mustache) in a movie equals trouble.
From Lt Coffey in The Abyss to Johnny Ringo in Tombstone, to that bloke in Jade that no one knows the name of, the moustache can unleash levels of bad-assery the likes of which have never been seen before or since in Hollywood. So, here at The Biehn Blog, it's time to pay tribute to the moustache of malevolence, the 'tache of terror, the facial hair of fear! Ah hell, it's just a grown woman writing about a moustache at 3am ok...
The Abyss
I've seen the interviews in which Michael defends Coffey. Oh, he was cut off from his chain of command was he? He was confused? Well, maybe if he'd done the decompression exercises like he was asked to, he wouldn't have lost the plot!!! He tried to set off a nuclear warhead and you know what caused this to happen? Yeah, that's right, it was the moustache. And that wasn't even the 'tache's most evil act. Oh no, that was making me fancy a man with really terrible 1980's facial hair!
Tombstone
Arguably Michael's sexiest role of all time and one of the most resplendent examples of facial hair I've ever seen. The level of upkeep required for this moustache intrigues me, did it have its own trailer and PA? In reality, Johnny Ringo was a somewhat tragic figure, but if this movie taught me anything, it's that dark, moody, alcoholic individuals wearing cowboy attire really are my type.
Jade
The robust moustache of The Abyss era made its return in 1995. I've watched Jade many, many times and I still don't actually understand what happens and why Michael's character suddenly became the baddie. What I do know is that the moustache made it happen.
Mojave Moon
Now admittedly, this one is a goatee, or as I like to call it: facial hair with an identity crisis. Do you want a beard? Do you want a moustache? Commit goddammit! Anyway, we don't need to forensically examine Michael's character in Mojave Moon to conclude he's batshit crazy and the only antagonist amongst many eccentric but likeable characters. Alfred Molina has a lovely moustache in this movie and he behaves impeccably, proving not all moustaches are born evil.
Clockstoppers
When I watched Clockstoppers for the first time, I spent the first five minutes thinking the make-up department had done a terrible job with Michael's face. I soon realised he is sporting a soul patch, a moustache that has cunningly disguised itself by rotating vertically and relocating just below the bottom lip. Machiavellian behaviour, but I saw straight through it when I realised that despite this being a kids movie, Michael plays a right nasty bastard.
The Girl
In 2016, a slightly greyer moustache made its final outing in The Girl. Admittedly I've not seen this movie yet, but something tells me he ain't playing the good guy here.
And there you have. We haven't seen the moustache since. Is it staggering from bar to bar in a seedy part of LA drunkenly regaling strangers with stories of its glory days? Will it ever make a return? Only time will tell.
Let me know your favourite moustache moment in the comments below...
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